i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
