I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
