my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
