U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
