I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
