i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
