what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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