I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
