She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
