so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
