is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
