I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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