i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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