I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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