I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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