Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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