There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
