I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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