So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
