I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
