but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
