we're chasing vodka with high fives
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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