Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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