I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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