I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
