My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize