So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I forget how to act sober
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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