I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
