the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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