What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
