I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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