Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
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