it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
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