is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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