When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
