my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
