Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Randomize
