Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I could make wine with my vomit
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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