Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
