Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
