saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize