Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
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I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
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There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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