I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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