I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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