I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
