Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
