omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I just shit out all my problems.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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