Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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