as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
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You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
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They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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