Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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