my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize