You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
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