did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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