I wish I could punch you in the face.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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